For years, Nickelback has been like those Nigerian bank scams; Dangerous, annoying and, frankly, not something anyone can do only a whole lot about. However, anti-Nickelback activist Tubby Chubcakes recently whipped us out of our complacency, and Rocks Off decided to see if our journalistic skills could be exploited to advance the cause.
What we plant when combing through Kroeger's own language was an access of numerous crimes, crimes for which the remainder of us would rot in jail. We exhibit these dastardly deeds in trust that some police officer or G-Man out there will clear the serious crook in our midst and imprison him.
Take "Animals," for instance. Sure, on the surface it's simply another teenage rut song. Fine, except that Kroeger plainly admits that he encouraged the daughter in the call to suck him while driving. Reckless endangerment anyone? Public exposure?
Or what about "Photograph?" It's supposed to be a nostalgic look at Kroeger's childhood. Well, he may see hijinks, but we see him admitting to break into state property half a dozen times. Considering "Animals," do we actually need to take the purposes Kroeger could have had for illegally entering a school? Surely he wasn't going to in finish banging the erasers.
What he was probably doing was banging women of questionable intelligence and sobriety while doing massive amounts of drugs! He brags about this in "Rock Star." In the song, Kroeger turns the wholesome goal of musical excellence shared by so many of our nation's youth and portrays it as an orgy of narcotics and orgies.
How can you know with yourself, Mr. Kroeger? You're making kid's dreams into a foul thing.
We can't think they let you anywhere near Spider-Man. You're worse than Doctor Octopus. Also, we hate your hair.
Jef With One F is the writer of The Word Spelled Backwards Does Not Alter the Fact That You Cannot Kill David Arquette and Other Things I Learned In the Black Math Experiment, available now.
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